Hope, Compassion and the Beauty in the Between

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It sounds like the set up for a joke…

What do Hurricane Irma, turning 45, becoming a Grandma, dealing with chronic illness flare-up and undergoing major surgery all have in common???

I wish I had a better punch line.

They all played a part in me taking a 3-year hiatus from working on the vision God gave me.  

I’m not proud of it, friends. I considered glossing over it and continuing my blog as if the 3-year silence didn’t mean anything. But it did mean something. It marks a time in my life where I just didn’t have the capacity to continue the great adventure I had just begun.

Friends, the last 4 years have been HARD years. What I described above was the last 4 months of 2017. 2018 was a year of recovery- all I can say about that is, believe your doctor when they tell you how long your recovery from surgery is going to take. DON’T think you’re better or more resilient or more invincible than everyone else who has ever had that surgery. That is a lie straight from the pits of hell!

Thank goodness 2018 was a year of rest and recovery though, because our 2019 felt like another chapter out of the book of Job.

We went:

   from life-threatening pneumonia in January and February

      to breaking my foot and spraining my ankle in one graceful move in March

         to losing our dog in April

            to finding out our daughter was pregnant with twin girls in May

               to learning that one of our granddaughters wouldn’t survive past birth in June

                  to waiting and crying out to the Lord for healing in July and August

                     to our family living through the reality of that pregnancy and birth in September

                        to losing my dear sweet mother-in-love also in September

                           to multiple PA – FL trips during our granddaughter’s 6-week NICU stay in October

                              to being laid up for two weeks because my back went out in November

                                 to spraining my other ankle on Thanksgiving Day

                                    to finishing the year with a Christmas that only highlighted our

                                       brokenness and bereavement.

Man, we couldn’t wait for 2020 to roll around! Things could only get better from there, right? We all know the answer to that one. Well played, Covid- we didn’t even see you coming!

We all just lived through 2020, so I’m not even going to go there! Instead, I’ll go here…

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:21-26 NIV

God’s mercies are new every morning—

   yesterday morning, every morning last month and in all the months before that;

      tomorrow morning and every new tomorrow morning to come.

         Even in 2019 and 2020, because of His unfailing compassion,

            God showed mercy in a new way every day.

               He was my Portion- my Sustainer.

                  I was not consumed by it all, because I was consumed by my All in All.

THAT has been the Beauty in the Between in my life for the past 3 years.

This is where I did, and do, and will, find my hope.

So, let’s continue this journey together, because even though I’ve been silent here for 3 years, oh my Lord, do I have a lot to say! New things have popped up for me: a speaking ministry; more consulting; songwriting; a podcast and book in the works; and more to come! I can’t wait to share it all with you.

So I thank you for your patience and I invite you to continue with me in this journey as we search for— and find!— our Compassionate Savior. HE is the ultimate Beauty in the Between!

Onward Together!

Pamela

From Broken to Breakthrough… and the Beauty in the Between

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Have you ever felt broken?

If I’m keeping it real, I’ll tell you that right now I feel like a clay pot that was hurled down a flight of stairs, or a china plate that was unceremoniously dropped.

The Christian community has started talking more about brokenness, and God’s purpose for our brokenness- which is wonderful. Churches are embracing the truth that we’re all broken and we all need Jesus. The phrase “beautifully broken” has even worked its way into “Christianese.”

 

  

 

But can I just tell you?

When I feel broken I feel the opposite of beautiful. I’m sure I don’t look beautiful either, sporting my ugly cry and my resting pout face.

Don’t get me wrong- I get the concept of beautifully broken, and most of the time I embrace that with all my mind and all my heart. But other times…

 

 

 

Sometimes brokenness comes upon us suddenly.

When we receive an unexpected, but dreaded, phone call or news from the doctor

When we find ourselves in a situation where we just don’t know what to do.

When people and relationships fail us

Has this ever happened to you?

 

Sometimes brokenness is our constant companion.

When we are grieving the loss of a loved one

When expectations are not reality

When it seems we just can’t let go of a deep heart wound.

 

Living with chronic illness is a constant reminder that my body is broken. Sometimes the reality of my pain and my limitations breaks my spirit too. Have you been there? Are you there now?

 

  

 

The only thing I can do when I reach maximum brokenness is remind myself of Psalm 34:18 and personalize it as I claim its promise:

The Lord is near to Pamela, the broken-hearted, and saves you, Pamela when you feel crushed in Spirit.

Have you ever done that? Taken a passage of scripture and personalized it? Read it as if God wrote it just for you? Because guess what? He did!

God wrote those verses just for you. He knew exactly when and how you would need to hear them when he inspired David or Isaiah or John or one of the other biblical authors to write it.

 

Isaiah 57:15 says: “A Message from God, whose name is Holy:

‘I live in the high and holy places,
    but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed,
And what I do is put new spirit in them,
    get them up and on their feet again.’

Verses 18 & 19 bring me even more hope:  

 ‘I decided to heal her, lead her, and comfort her,
    creating a new language of praise for the mourners.
Peace to the far-off, peace to the near-at-hand,’ says God—
    ‘and yes, I will heal them.’”

That, my friends is breakthrough!

 

  

 

If  you grasp these verses,

make them your own,

speak them as a declaration over your brokenness

and the things that make you feel broken,

then breakthrough is yours!

 

You may say, “but I don’t feel breakthrough. I don’t feel like an overcomer.”

And I would say, “Just keep declaring it!” There is divine power in the spoken word. 

This is more than a pep talk or a self-help daily affirmation.

This is speaking the very words of God over your life!

 

Hebrews 4:12-13 in The Message paraphrase tells us that

“His powerful Word is… cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it- no matter what.”

Another translation of Hebrews 4:12 says that God’s word is living and active.

 

  

 

So there’s your secret- and the Beauty in the Between- between the brokenness and the breakthrough.

Cry out to the Most High God, the God who is with us when we are our most broken-hearted and spirit-crushed. And then, with that same mouth, declare His promises from His word and make them your own. You can even pray that way:

 

God, thank you that you are close to me, (your name), when I feel low-spirited and spirit-crushed. I ask you to put a new spirit in me. Help me, (your name), to get up on my feet again. Heal me, Lord. Lead me and comfort me. I, (your name), eagerly await a new language of praise in my mouth. I, (your name), stand with you and declare peace over my life and over my circumstances.    

 

He will hear that prayer! Psalm 51:17 tells us that God will not despise a broken and repentant heart. So no matter what we’ve done, or what’s been done to us, the Lord leans down from Heaven to hear our prayers (Psalm 116:2 NLT). When we pray with a broken and repentant heart, asking the Lord to give us a new spirit and a new language of praise- now that’s a powerful prayer for breakthrough!

Honks, Hormones, Highways and the Beauty in the Between

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OK everybody, this post might be a little too real. So I apologize in advance to anyone who may be offended. 😀

 

I’m at that age… you know that womanly age where hormones are my worst enemy- and my husband’s worst enemy… and pretty much everyone in my path’s worst enemy. Even my doctors are having a hard time figuring out my hormones. They did some bloodwork and called me sheepishly saying, “We think the lab made a mistake because there’s no way your hormone levels could be so off. Will you please come in to repeat the tests?” Guess what? The second time the results were identical, making me their most hormonal challenge in awhile- possibly ever.

 

This in itself would be enough for any woman (and her husband and everyone in her path) to deal with in a day, but wait-there’s more!

 

One of the greatest frustrations of moving to Fort Lauderdale (and there have been a few) has been driving in South Florida traffic. Who knew so many terrible drivers could gather in one 3,000 square mile area? Our first year here, we lived in Fort Lauderdale and worked in the middle of Miami. This twice-a-day drive provided some of the most nerve-wracking moments of my life. Nothing makes you pee in your pants a little like a full-size SUV flipping end over end in your lane just three cars ahead. ‘Nuff said.

 

So now imagine combining these two proverbial thorns in my side- bad drivers who endanger everyone on the road, and raging hormones—a whole different brand of road rage I’m thinking.

 

I’m so thankful to now be working at a job that’s just 15 minutes from our house. No more nerve-wracking, life-threatening drives to the 3-0-5. However, there are still plenty of things that vex me as I drive to work every day. I’m blaming it all on my hormones, like my husband does. (Did I mention he’s the most patient, long-suffering husband eh-ver?)

 

Jesus says in Matthew 5:21-22 that even if you call someone an idiot it’s as if you’ve committed murder. If that ever literally manifested, half of South Florida would drop dead- maybe more.  I have to confess I was driving to work one day, in a really good place, and then, the next few moments went something like this: “We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus. And we cry holy, holy, holy; and we cry… YOU IDIOT! Why are you going 45 in the express lane?!?” Am I proud of this? No. But the only way to keep it real is to confess our sins one to another. 🙂

 

 

I have become very fluent in the language of the horn. Two short taps is a friendly beep; it means “hey, I need to get your attention.” This might happen at a stoplight when someone doesn’t move immediately as the light turns green, or if by some miracle, another driver (probably someone who just moved here from the Midwest) lets you switch lanes right in front of him.

 

Then there’s the little bit longer two honks. This means, “pay attention, dude!” and is for someone who is checking Facebook at the green light and still hasn’t noticed the light has turned, or perhaps pedestrians who are not paying attention and make you have to slam on your brakes in a parking lot. Then there’s the 1 long blast- the longer the better. This is reserved for those who pull out in front of you, just barely avoiding a scrape, those who drift over without checking their blind spots, someone going way too fast… you get the idea.

 

My children laugh at me because every time I’m talking to them on the hands-free on my way home from work they hear at least one long blast. Yes- people are constantly pulling in front of you, drifting over into your lane, or just not seeing you altogether. It happens almost every day- and that is not an exaggeration.

And can I just take a second to talk about merges? I have several on my route to work and back. Merging doesn’t seem like such a hard concept to me. This lane goes, and then that lane goes, and we keep taking turns. If this is done smoothly, traffic doesn’t even have to slow down that much. But here, there are those who act like every merge is a surprise and then a frantic scramble. There are those who feel the need to slam on their brakes as the merge is happening. There are those who are too impatient (or I can think of other words) to wait their turn so they drive up on the shoulder and try to get a better “slot.” There are timid mergers- I often seem to get behind these. They don’t merge with purpose and therefore, upset the turn-taking. They hesitate, letting 3 cars go in front of them and ruining my chance for a good merge. Does this make anyone else mad?!?!

 

OK- deep breath. Where’s the beauty in the between in all of this? It doesn’t sparkle as brightly as other topics perhaps, but after living in Florida for 22 months, we can say that we’ve had no serious accidents. There is no explanation for that except God’s provision of safety in our lives. We’ve had so many close calls and “just missed its.” Our cars are no longer dent or scrape free, but that’s South Florida living. J

 

Here’s a thought, friend: if God can keep us accident-free for two years here, what can He do in your life? Do you need a sense of security and safety tonight? My God Elohim which means power, sovereignty and faithfulness, is standing with you. Ask Him to draw near. Not only is He God Elohim, but He is Jehovah Shalom- our God of peace.

 

If there’s one thing I need in my life right now it’s more of that Shalom peace, the peace that passes understanding. Because you know what? I often don’t understand! Knowing God’s peace means that I don’t have to understand- I simply have to trust. Are you with me?

 

Heavenly Father, you are so good to us—even when we’re feeling or acting out of control. Lord, tonight we declare that we are under Your control, under the influence of the Holy Spirit. Help us to find that place where we can rest in your peace—where we give up trying to understand and we give up our right to be right. We surrender it all to you tonight, Lord. We know you are faithful and true. We thank you now for the way you will be working in our lives, ever drawing us closer to you. Amen.

The F Word… and the Beauty in the Between

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How many spoons did you use today?

I’m not talking about eating soup or ice cream… hmmm, ice cream…

This will make much more sense if you’ve heard the story of The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, author of the blog www.butyoudontlooksick.com

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

Read it using the link above or suffer through my shorter interpretive paraphrase below:

While out for coffee, a friend (we’ll call her Monica) without fibromyalgia asked her friend (let’s say her name is Rachel) with fibromyalgia what it felt like to deal with chronic illness day in and day out. Rachel looked around the restaurant and spotted a bunch of spoons on one of the nearby tables. She picked them up, handed them to Monica and said, “You have a chronic illness. These 12 spoons represent the energy you have for the day.

“You wake up in the morning and start getting ready for your day. For someone with chronic illness it may take 1 spoon just to get out of bed, 2 to take a shower and wash your hair. It will take at least 1 spoon to get dressed, 1 to make breakfast and 1 to eat.” All the while, Rachel is taking spoons away from Monica, leaving her with no choice or control. “Take away 2 more spoons for makeup and brushing your teeth. Just getting ready for the day has cost you 8 of your 12 spoons, and you didn’t even wash your breakfast dishes. Now you have to decide, how am I going to make my remaining 4 spoons last for the rest of the day?”

“This is something healthy people don’t even think about because they have an unlimited supply of spoons.”

 

So that’s the idea of the Spoon Theory. This description has really resonated with me. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (in our house known as the F word) 10 years ago and I have dealt with chronic pain for as long as I can remember. Taking the Spoon Theory one step further, I’ll tell you that it can take all my spoons just to go grocery shopping by myself. How many spoons does it take to clean the house? Go on a date with my husband? Spend a day doing something I enjoy with friends? You get the idea.

It’s to the point where I budget my spoons like a miser. “If I do this thing in the morning I might not have enough energy to do the thing I really want to do tonight.” I’ve found it’s very hard for people (even friends) to understand my need to think like that- it’s also very hard for people to understand if I cancel something because I’ve just run out of spoons for that day. And to be honest, some days I have 5 spoons and some days I might have 25. The way I will feel on any given day is more unpredictable than October weather in Wisconsin.

OK- enough about spoons! I want to use this blog to reach out to the community of those with chronic illness. I want us to be brutally honest, but I also want each post to leave you, dear reader, with hope. Yes, we have a chronic illness. Yes, there’s a mourning process as illness progresses. Yes, we live with challenges that people don’t understand and, in turn, judge us based on their ignorance. Yes, our life can seem chaotic and out of control. We can feel isolated, rejected, misunderstood and it sucks!

 

BUT- and this is one of those big Holy buts- there is hope! Even with chronic illness- especially with chronic illness- there is BEAUTY in the BETWEEN, and we’re going to explore that together!

There’s only one place I do not budget my spoons, and that is when I am praising and worshiping my Lord! He is the only One who gets all my spoons. First of all, because the Bible tells us to worship Him with all our heart and soul and mind and strength. He is worthy of all my energy and all my “self” and all my praise.

I also believe there is a direct correlation between worship and hope and healing. My life verse, the verse I chose after going through depression, divorce, despair, discouragement, death and disappointment (not to mention a whole bunch of other words that don’t start with the letter D ;P), proves it. It says, “As for me I will never lose hope (or in some translations “I will hope forever”); I will praise You (God) yet more and more.” Psalm71:14 This has been the story of my life and it will continue to be.

I have so much else to say about my journey with Fibromyalgia, but I know better than to post a blog that reads like a manifesto. So for now, let’s all raise a spoon and toast to the fact that there is more to come on this topic, and soon!

If you have something (kind) to say about it, leave it under the Let’s Talk tab.

God is Good… Or is He? …and the Beauty in the Betweeen

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My good friend Rebecca Rogers is one of those real women whose ministry shines because of it. She is a pastor, worship leader, songwriter, amazing mom to a very special “special  needs” young man and his three siblings, and the list goes on and on! She is my first guest blogger for two reasons- first, because this post hit me right between the eyes, and second, because she is just amazing- one of those women I admire so much! @rebeccakrogers

Do You Think God is Good?

From Caution to Comfort … and the Beauty in the Between

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So, the first thing you’re going to learn about me is that I am real. I’m not afraid to be transparent, to share my brokenness and my struggles. I used to worry that other “more holy” women would judge me if I were real. Then I got over it- delivered! Even so, I experienced this again recently and it really messed with my self esteem and even my “God esteem-” you know, my concept of who I am in Christ- for a short time. Then I was reminded (and when I say reminded I mean, the Lord lovingly smacked me upside the head) of these verses:

“Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise to the God of All Comfort. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:2-4 NIV

The word comfort appears in those three verses 5 times! Do you think that’s a hint about the prominent place it holds in our Father’s heart? I can only believe that as Christians, comforting others is way more important, and more noble and courageous, than trying to fool the world into thinking that we have it all together- that we never struggle with sin or pain. Because guess what? We’re not fooling anyone!

If we all walk around acting like we’re super-spiritual, struggle-free wonder women- well first of all we’re lying because none of us are Jesus- but also we are missing out on the most amazing ministry opportunities! I don’t want anything to keep me from the blessings that come when I authentically extend grace to others. I especially don’t want fear of judgment to keep me from the purpose God has ordained for my pain and my brokenness. Can’t you just imagine the enemy grinning and rubbing his hands together every time fear keeps us from sharing our struggles and the comfort we’ve received from Jesus?

Read the first line of that passage- GRACE and PEACE to you! The judgment we fear, whether real or perceived, has no power over us! Anyone who is not extending grace and peace to you is not a messenger from “God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!” Now I’m not dismissing the merit of a well-timed word of Christian exhortation. I’m very thankful for friends who have warranted a place in my life to speak the truth in love. Because perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). LOVE (grace and peace) is the antidote to fear.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the awesome ministry to which we are called in this passage. The Message paraphrase says it like this:

“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.”

I met a woman recently who had an amazing testimony. God had been her refuge through unspeakable tragedy, and yet, even as she opened up just a bit, she told me she was afraid to share her story with others. “Why?” I asked incredulously, thinking of all the women who needed to hear just such an encouraging word. She gave a few reasons: she was afraid she would get too emotional; she was afraid people wouldn’t be able to grasp the full depth of her pain; she was afraid people would pity her, or perhaps tell her she should have been a stronger Christian through it all. As she spoke, my heart went out to her. I imagined her in this prison of “what-ifs,” all of which were keeping her from God-ordained ministry and from fully experiencing the redemption of her experiences as she used them to bring comfort to others.

What about you, my friend? The beauty in the between here is actually more of a lasting beauty that continues to grow as we mature in the Lord, as time mellows our memories and as we comfort and come alongside many others. Don’t let anyone or anything steal the purpose from your pain, the blessing of your brokenness or the testimony in your troubles. Revelations 12:11 tells us that we triumph over the enemy by the blood of Jesus and the words of our testimony. What do you need to overcome today? And then, how can you help others to overcome and find the comfort you have found?

Lord Jesus, you know our deepest pain, the inner brokenness that no one sees. Give us the courage to be real- to walk in transparency and humility instead of pretense and pride. Help us to trust You with our hurts, our fears, our life experiences that have been less than victorious; for it’s only when we trust You with the opportunity and the outcome that we take ourselves out of the way of Your purpose. May our pain never be wasted; empower us with boldness when it’s time to offer comfort to others. May we always be Your agents of grace and peace. Amen.

From Plan A to Plan F… and the Beauty in the Between

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You know, at this point in my adult life I would have thought I’d have it all figured out; but friends, can I tell you the truth? I’m on a journey and I have no idea what my next steps will be or where I’ll end up! Which drives me crazy, because I’m a planner and a very goal-oriented person. I get great satisfaction from meeting deadlines and crossing things off my list. If you don’t believe me ask my husband, who alternately cringes or chuckles when I say, “OK- what’s the plan for…?”

This is not what I was expecting my life to look like at 44- believe me! God, in His sovereignty, has made it very apparent that in this season of my life, my plans are not His plans– and He has yet to reveal His plans. It turns out that my goals are not even on His to-do list for me- leaving me with no deadlines and nothing to check off! I feel like I’ve been wandering in the wilderness, waiting for what’s next, for more than a year now.

The other day I was complaining (possibly whining) to the Lord. “You called me to ministry and to a life-long commitment to missions, and here I sit… with no purpose and not knowing what’s next.” Man, did I feel convicted when I heard Him say, “I AM NEXT!”

I realized I was more upset about plans that went awry than I was about my whiny, ungracious attitude toward my Heavenly Father. I had to repent and ask myself, why was I striving for a plan and a purpose instead of seeking the Author and Perfecter of it all? Why was I chafing against unmet goals rather than lamenting over unmet moments with my Father, El Shaddai, the All-Sufficient One?

And wandering in the wilderness? What if God’s purpose for my wandering achieves the same results as when the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? In order to move into The Promised land God’s chosen people needed two things: to know Him better and to get the Egypt (the past) out of their hearts and minds. Without the wilderness they would not have been familiar with the depth and width and breadth of God’s love and care and guidance and provision.

Yes, that’s where I am… Wandering around my own proverbial Mount Sinai getting to know my Savior in a new way and letting go of the past. Letting go has been very hard, because it was a great past! I had my dream job; our income allowed us to live comfortably; my house was the scene for many meaningful family moments, extra teenagers, lots of laughter and food and fellowship; my husband and I thrived in our church and had many wonderful ministry opportunities; we had friends and a church family who loved us and knew us well.

Why in the world would we leave all that, you ask? Because we knew that God wanted to do a new thing in our lives. What is that new thing, you ask? At this point I have no idea!

We moved from Wisconsin to South Florida to pursue an amazing ministry opportunity, and when we moved it appeared that all the doors were open for us. However, just a few months after we arrived in Florida, that opportunity crumbled due to circumstances beyond our control. Next, we tried being on the pastoral staff at a church in inner-city Miami (something else I would have considered my “dream job” when I was younger), but within six months it was obvious that wasn’t going to work out either.

So now we say that we’ve exhausted plans A-E and are on plan F right about now (talk about funny-not funny!). We’ve found jobs in the secular marketplace and are recovering from some pretty intense burn out. It’s taken us awhile to make good friends here and even longer to find the right church. Through it all though, our eyes have been on the Lord. More than once I’ve prayed the prayer of Jehoshaphat: “Lord, we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

I am definitely in the “between” and there is plenty of beauty here, my friends! My husband and I are closer than we’ve ever been; we’re cheering on our kids as they all successfully “adult” out of our nest; we’re about to become grandparents; we are finally growing deep friendships in this new place and in our new church.

The most beautiful thing is that I’m learning I don’t need to have a goal, a time-frame or a destination- I just need my Jesus. And now I know my purpose in this season: to pursue my Lord; to truly learn to trust Him and believe that His best is yet to come, rather than looking over my shoulder at Egypt. I can rest in Him, knowing that at the right time, He will lead me to my next Promised Land.

Read the entire story of Moses and the Israelites in Exodus and Numbers.

Read more about Jehoshaphat’s prayer in 2 Chronicles 20.