You know, at this point in my adult life I would have thought I’d have it all figured out; but friends, can I tell you the truth? I’m on a journey and I have no idea what my next steps will be or where I’ll end up! Which drives me crazy, because I’m a planner and a very goal-oriented person. I get great satisfaction from meeting deadlines and crossing things off my list. If you don’t believe me ask my husband, who alternately cringes or chuckles when I say, “OK- what’s the plan for…?”
This is not what I was expecting my life to look like at 44- believe me! God, in His sovereignty, has made it very apparent that in this season of my life, my plans are not His plans– and He has yet to reveal His plans. It turns out that my goals are not even on His to-do list for me- leaving me with no deadlines and nothing to check off! I feel like I’ve been wandering in the wilderness, waiting for what’s next, for more than a year now.
The other day I was complaining (possibly whining) to the Lord. “You called me to ministry and to a life-long commitment to missions, and here I sit… with no purpose and not knowing what’s next.” Man, did I feel convicted when I heard Him say, “I AM NEXT!”
I realized I was more upset about plans that went awry than I was about my whiny, ungracious attitude toward my Heavenly Father. I had to repent and ask myself, why was I striving for a plan and a purpose instead of seeking the Author and Perfecter of it all? Why was I chafing against unmet goals rather than lamenting over unmet moments with my Father, El Shaddai, the All-Sufficient One?
And wandering in the wilderness? What if God’s purpose for my wandering achieves the same results as when the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? In order to move into The Promised land God’s chosen people needed two things: to know Him better and to get the Egypt (the past) out of their hearts and minds. Without the wilderness they would not have been familiar with the depth and width and breadth of God’s love and care and guidance and provision.
Yes, that’s where I am… Wandering around my own proverbial Mount Sinai getting to know my Savior in a new way and letting go of the past. Letting go has been very hard, because it was a great past! I had my dream job; our income allowed us to live comfortably; my house was the scene for many meaningful family moments, extra teenagers, lots of laughter and food and fellowship; my husband and I thrived in our church and had many wonderful ministry opportunities; we had friends and a church family who loved us and knew us well.
Why in the world would we leave all that, you ask? Because we knew that God wanted to do a new thing in our lives. What is that new thing, you ask? At this point I have no idea!
We moved from Wisconsin to South Florida to pursue an amazing ministry opportunity, and when we moved it appeared that all the doors were open for us. However, just a few months after we arrived in Florida, that opportunity crumbled due to circumstances beyond our control. Next, we tried being on the pastoral staff at a church in inner-city Miami (something else I would have considered my “dream job” when I was younger), but within six months it was obvious that wasn’t going to work out either.
So now we say that we’ve exhausted plans A-E and are on plan F right about now (talk about funny-not funny!). We’ve found jobs in the secular marketplace and are recovering from some pretty intense burn out. It’s taken us awhile to make good friends here and even longer to find the right church. Through it all though, our eyes have been on the Lord. More than once I’ve prayed the prayer of Jehoshaphat: “Lord, we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
I am definitely in the “between” and there is plenty of beauty here, my friends! My husband and I are closer than we’ve ever been; we’re cheering on our kids as they all successfully “adult” out of our nest; we’re about to become grandparents; we are finally growing deep friendships in this new place and in our new church.
The most beautiful thing is that I’m learning I don’t need to have a goal, a time-frame or a destination- I just need my Jesus. And now I know my purpose in this season: to pursue my Lord; to truly learn to trust Him and believe that His best is yet to come, rather than looking over my shoulder at Egypt. I can rest in Him, knowing that at the right time, He will lead me to my next Promised Land.
Read the entire story of Moses and the Israelites in Exodus and Numbers.
Read more about Jehoshaphat’s prayer in 2 Chronicles 20.